I’m back to continue the conversation on attachment, what it looks like, and why it should matter to believers of Jesus. Last time I spent time providing an introduction of attachment. Today I am going to dive deeper into what secure attachment looks like. I want to reiterate something I mentioned in my last blog post and that was God is the only perfect picture of secure attachment. We as humans can never be perfect as we are broken sinners and sufferers. That’s why we need Jesus’s help because we can’t do anything apart from Him, including relating to others in a healthy way. So once again, to those who are parents and/or caregivers, take a deep breath – this is a picture of what we want our relationships with our children to look like, but we will mess up.
When a child experiences secure attachment with their caregiver, we will see the caregiver being attuned and responsive to their child’s needs. This means they help their child regulate their emotions. For example, when a child becomes overwhelmed by a situation, the parent could come down to their child’s level physically by sitting next to them or kneeling so they are at a similar height, saying their child’s name calmly and reminding them they are here to help them, guiding them to take a few deep breaths to help calm their body down, and then help them identify and talk about what they’re feeling.
The caregiver will know how to show their child a warm relationship where the child feels safe and at home emotionally, physically, and mentally with them. Also, the parent will have self-awareness of their own struggles and tendencies, whether that’s with anger, control, passiveness, etc. so they can be aware of when they are starting to fall into that ditch and slow themselves down to ask the Lord for help to be present with their child. Another factor is the parent will have a developmental focus in mind as they are caring for their child, knowing it is a long game, and desiring to help their child grow in new skills to gradually assist them in becoming more independent.
Common characteristics of a child who has experienced secure attachment are showing patience and grace for others, engaging well with their own emotions as well as the emotions of others, and handling conflict with reasonableness. These are all really healthy attributes, but can often be challenging to cultivate in this world. There is so much division in our culture and these characteristics help us as individuals break down barriers with others who are different from us and build relationships. The person who comes to my mind as the perfect model of living these out is Jesus. How amazing that as caregivers we have the opportunity to help develop this in the younger generations.
Finally, attachment helps create and solidify beliefs. This is a picture of how relationships with those who raised us really impact our stories in a deep way. Beliefs play out in our lives through what we do, think, and feel related to ourselves, others, the world in general, and God. Often we are not even aware of the beliefs that underly our everyday decisions and interactions. For a child who came from a secure attachment with their caregivers common beliefs are the following: “I am worthy of love”, “I am capable of getting love”, and “others are willing and able to love me”. These beliefs make sense to be underneath and driving the characteristics we just discussed above. The child who can believe these may be more open to the love and care Jesus has for them, rather than being skeptical and on guard of a Creator who cares for them.
This is a picture of secure attachment and the side of the spectrum for caregivers to use as a vision for parenting. In summary, creating and developing secure attachment looks like coming alongside children through being aware of their emotional, mental, physical, relational, and spiritual needs. That is not a small task and thankfully Jesus is the best model of what that looks like through His humble choice of coming to this earth as a man. And fortunately He reminds us that He will help us and it is not something we can do in our own power. So whether you’re a parent, caregiver, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, or mentor lets take a moment to step back and ask Jesus to help guide us as we walk alongside and love on the children in our lives.
In my next blog post I will go into the next type of attachment known as avoidant/dismissive.
Marla finds joy in walking alongside women and teen girls through life’s challenges. She has experience in both outpatient and residential counseling, including work in the Dominican Republic. Marla loves hiking, camping, and hammocking with her husband and their two littles.
