I’m back and today I will talk about the attachment style that is known as anxious/preoccupied/ambivalent attachment. For the purposes of simplicity I will refer to it as anxious attachment. I will once again talk about what this looks like through describing characteristics of both the caregiver and child as well as common beliefs someone raised in this type of attachment style tend to have.
Caregivers who tend to create an anxious attachment style are inconsistent and unpredictable – the child does not know what to expect from their parent and the environment can feel very unknown. The parent is emotionally available sometimes and then emotionally distant at other times. This type of caregiving keeps the child very dependent upon the parent as it is difficult to create independence in such an unpredictable environment. Common pictures of this parenting style are the cold-shoulder treatment, overprotection/helicopter parent, and a tendency to withhold approval and affection.
There are common characteristics in children who have been raised in an anxious attachment style. Often a child will fear being rejected or abandoned and will do whatever they have to in order to prevent it. This can turn into a self-fulfilled prophecy such as believing no one will accept them and then overcompensating in a way that they become too much for others to the point where others need to set boundaries with them. They then deem this as rejection fulfilling their fears of not being accepted. These individuals will most likely go to great lengths to please people and can be known as “people pleasers” as they tend to depend on others rather than themselves. When interacted with these type of children/ adults as they grow up may seem clingy, insecure, and cause others to feel suffocated and as a result others may pull back from the relationship.
I’ve already started to hint at some of the common beliefs individuals can have who have grown up with an anxious attachment style, but I will clearly list them out: “I’m not worthy of love”, “I’m not capable of getting the love I need without getting angry, clingy, or desperate”, “others are capable of meeting my needs, but might not do so because of my flaws”, “others can be trustworthy and reliable, but might abandon me because of my worthlessness”. These beliefs are very personal and based on the person seeing themselves as not having any value. Their identity is extremely rooted in how they think others see them. The saddening reality is that this is also commonly how they relate to God and thinks He relates to them. They have a very works-based approach to trying to earn love and value. But due to how unpredictable this was for them growing up they feel like a rollercoaster in regards to their worth.
If some of these beliefs or characteristics resonate with you please reach out to someone to talk through this as there can be several layers to these and it can be very helpful to process them out as you are looking for truth. Also, if you already have a relationship with Jesus, please pray this out to Him, whether out loud, in a journal, or through music or art. He wants you and sees you as a precious son or daughter with value and worth. He loves you and He is unchanging and secure.
And as I mentioned in my last post if as a parent you are noticing any of the caregiving characteristics in yourself, I would encourage you to also open up with a trusted friend or counselor. A child getting the opportunity to have their parent apologize to them, acknowledge their own faults, and desire to repair the relationship can experience deep healing. Your example of humility will be life changing.
In my next blogpost I will talk about the last type of attachment style called disorganized/chaotic attachment, which tends to be a mix of both avoidant attachment and anxious attachment.
Resources:
Why You Do The Things You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton & Dr. Gary Sibcy
Healing The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender
The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
Fundamentals of Trauma Healing with Eliza Huie, Beth Broom, & Jason Kovacs
Marla finds joy in walking alongside women and teen girls through life’s challenges. She has experience in both outpatient and residential counseling, including work in the Dominican Republic. Marla loves hiking, camping, and hammocking with her husband and their two littles.
