In my last blog post I went over what secure attachment looks like. Now I will provide a picture of what avoidant/dismissive attachment looks like. I’ll do this again by discussing what the caregivers usually are like, common characteristics of children who have experienced this type of attachment, and the common beliefs a person can have after growing up in this type of environment.
Within an avoidant/dismissive attachment caregivers are often dismissive of a child’s emotions, can feel distant/unavailable, and are emotionally DISCONNECTED from their child. This has been called insensitive parenting. It might look like a parent just not being present with their child and not taking the time to engage with what is going on in their child’s world. A big part of not engaging is not acknowledging or being aware of how their child is feeling about themselves, others, God, and the world. The relationship is really non-existent. A statement that could be a theme of this type of parenting is the phrase, “Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps”. The child is expected to figure things out on their own and to leave emotions out of it.
Characteristics that can often be common of a child who has grown up within this attachment style are pushing back against intimacy as it doesn’t feel safe, becoming agitated and very emotional when they face difficulty because they don’t know how to handle the challenges, experiencing anger and resentment toward God and others, and tending to look to themselves for comfort rather than to other people or God. As adults they could be seen as narcissistic, self-sufficient, and compulsively perfectionistic. This person might tend to be more resistant to a relationship with God because it doesn’t seem safe to depend and be needy upon Him or anyone as that goes against what they’ve been taught and have seen it as a weakness to depend on someone else.
Common beliefs of individuals who have experienced avoidant/dismissive attachment are the following: “I’m worthy of love based on my success and accomplishments”, “I’m capable of getting love, but I depend on my own self and abilities”, “Others are either unwilling or incapable of loving me”, “Other’s are not trustworthy”, and “Others are unreliable when it comes to meeting my needs”.
These beliefs are a lot to process and take in, but can you imagine how hard it would be to navigate failure and relational depth when these beliefs are driving how you live? It sounds like a lot of pressure and like it could create a very lonely life. If some of these beliefs resonate with you as you are reading it may be worth writing them down and talking to a safe trusted person about them. You are not alone and these are not the beliefs that have to continue driving your thoughts, feelings, and decisions for the rest of your life.
And for caregivers, if you notice any of these parenting themes in how you engage/don’t engage with your child it’s not too late. You can also talk to a trusted person who can help you process this. Finding a mentor who can walk alongside you to help you learn how to care for your child’s emotions and be present with them can be such a helpful asset. The beauty of God’s grace is He can bring things to our attention and move us toward a new trajectory as we live into the new creation He is calling us to while we look to Him for the help only He can provide.
In my next blogpost I’ll explain what anxious/preoccupied/ambivalent attachment looks like.
Marla finds joy in walking alongside women and teen girls through life’s challenges. She has experience in both outpatient and residential counseling, including work in the Dominican Republic. Marla loves hiking, camping, and hammocking with her husband and their two littles.
