Attachment is a topic that can hit people in many different ways. Some see it as a positive way to describe how they connect with others, while some may see it as a negative term because they find it difficult or even dislike engaging with people. Others may see it as a helpful term that was beneficial to them in processing challenging family dynamics. It can also be true that those in the church may see it as a secular term that has no use for Christians as it is not specifically mentioned in Scripture. While I can understand that hesitancy I hope you will read about what I have learned on attachment and how it can be such a helpful resource in better understanding how we relate to others and the Lord. Today I will be doing a general overview and will go into more detail in future blog posts.
So what do I mean when I say attachment? One academic definition says the following: attachment is an inborn system in the brain that evolves in ways that influence and organize motivational, emotional, and memory processes with respect to significant care-giving figures. That is a pretty complex definition so a simpler one I have found helpful is that attachment is fundamentally a trust relationship between a parent and child building healthy connection, safety, and security. Attachment is something that is developed between a child and care-giver that plays a role in shaping how the child then relates to themselves, other people, and God. This attachment begins between child and caregiver from the time the child is a baby and continues to develop as the child grows into adulthood. Often the type of attachment the child experiences with their care-giver can be experienced in other significant relationships as the child gets older, such as spouses or close friends. The type of attachment we each experienced growing up can impact how we see the world and ultimately how we relate and connect with God, our parents, and other important relationships in our lives. We all have a story and I believe it is important to understand it in order for us to be aware of what we bring to the table as daughters, sons, siblings, friends, spouses, parents, and followers of Jesus.
For those of you who are curious about how attachment can play out in our lives from our earliest moments I am attaching the following video where you can see how a young baby responds to their mother’s interactions with them. It’s amazing how we crave relationship and connection from a young age. What evidence that we are made by a relational Creator!
There are 4 types of attachment that have been identified through research: secure attachment, avoidant/dismissive attachment, anxious/preoccupied/ambivalent attachment, and disorganized/chaotic attachment. I will define and explain each of these in future blogs. An important fact to state is that God is the only one who can provide a perfectly secure relationship because He is the only perfect being. There is no such thing as a perfect parent on this earth. We are all broken sinners and sufferers. We have all been hurt in some way by the imperfections of our family of upbringing and we will also cause hurt in our significant relationships. It’s part of living in a broken world. As I will describe each type of attachment style in future posts I want us to think of it on a spectrum rather than trying to put ourselves in only one category. We are complex human beings and may resonate with multiple types. My hope is that we can notice some of the characteristics of each type and observe if there are any themes we see in our own lives. Also, for those of us who are parents and are already preparing ourselves to feel like failures in how attached our child is to us, take a deep breath. Let’s use this as an awareness tool to evaluate our family cultures, but not use it as a way to try and reach perfection because that is an unrealistic standard. The goal is growing in our ability to connect well with others and the Lord.
Stay tuned for my next blog on what secure attachment looks like!
Marla finds joy in walking alongside women and teen girls through life’s challenges. She has experience in both outpatient and residential counseling, including work in the Dominican Republic. Marla loves hiking, camping, and hammocking with her husband and their two littles.
