I was making dinner after a busy workday, juggling picking kids up from school and getting them to their activities, grabbing some groceries, and had a growing mental list of evening tasks. Simultaneously I was trying to answer homework questions for two of my kiddos and wondering where the third child is… why he isn’t working on homework? What is he getting into? Beneath the surface of all the activity, my emotions have been building. I overheard a coworker criticize my project this afternoon, I feel guilty that I haven’t been more present for my best friend going through her divorce, and I have pangs of grief and sadness when I think of my mom who is declining from dementia. I feel either chronically overwhelmed, moody, or irritable. I know there are heavy emotions under the surface, but I don’t have time to deal with them; and even if I did, would I even want to face those hard feelings? Maybe I should just pray for God to take care of all this and then try to numb out in one of the many ways I’ve learned over the years.
And why not? Why shouldn’t I just push away the hard or heavy emotions?
1. The first answer is that it just doesn’t work. We can push away or ignore the emotions, but those emotions remain unresolved and will resurface, often in ugly, painful ways (…think the arcade came Whac-A-Mole, in which you try to bop the mole head, but then another pops up and then another).
2. When we repress rather than process heavy emotions, we tend to react towards others from the place of hurt, anger, or sadness we are experiencing. These reactions, because of the unaddressed internal pain we feel, can be disproportionate to the situation and wound those around us (like a normally gentle animal who becomes defensive or even aggressive when wounded).
3. While there are times in which it can be healthy to distract ourselves, if numbing our emotions becomes our go-to, we are opening ourselves up to a lot of unhealthy choices, such as addictions or unproductive habits. There are lots of options for numbing out or distracting ourselves from our emotions, from things that seem healthy (such as serving others or exercise), or benign (Netflix, reading, hobbies, or sleep) to some of the more commonly recognized pitfalls: turning to food, alcohol, drugs, or pornography to fill that ache in our heart.
4. As Christians, we can invalidate our heavy emotions. “I shouldn’t feel resentful towards my boss even though he regularly makes me work hours longer than my contracted hours.” “I shouldn’t feel anxious- if I do that must mean I don’t have enough faith.” “I shouldn’t feel angry- isn’t it a sin to feel angry?” If God created us with the capacity for all of these emotions, did He not do that with a purpose?
Hopefully we’re convinced that we don’t want to ignore our emotions. And, at the other extreme, we don’t want to be enslaved by our emotions. I’m sure we’ve all been on the giving and receiving end of an uncontrolled anger outburst or have felt so swallowed up by an emotion such as hopelessness that we lose perspective and are drawn deeper and deeper into that hopeless pit.
So what does a healthy approach to handling heavy emotions look like? One way to think about emotions is that they are giving us clues as to what is going on under the surface. When you have a light go on in the dashboard of your car, it is signaling you to pay attention. The purpose of the oil light indicator is to protect you from running low on oil and ruining your engine. In the same way, an emotion like anger may be an indicator that you are sensing that someone is violating a boundary. Loneliness is an indicator that you are feeling disconnected and that a relational need is going unmet.
Let’s look at some strategies for paying attention to our emotions and processing them in healthy ways.
1. Pay attention to your emotions. Print out a feelings wheel and use if from time to time to identify what you’re feeling. Pay attention to the clues your body is giving you about what you are feeling. Shame might feel like a weight on your chest, you may experience a queasy gut with anxiety, and perhaps a calmness in your neck and shoulders when you experience relief. Emotion recognition is a skill, and as we practice this skill we grow in our ability to recognize what we are feeling. When we practice checking in with our emotions from time to time throughout the week and become more in tune with recognizing our own emotions, we are more equipped to use this skill in a higher stakes situation when we are experiencing stronger emotions. Your emotions are an indicator of how you are experiencing the situation. Remember, you are a person who matters, your emotions matter, therefore cuing into what your internal experience is a worthwhile endeavor.
2. Be curious about what you are feeling. Often we jump to judgement about our emotions-; “I shouldn’t feel this way”. In doing so, we bypass the opportunity to explore our internal experience and grow through it. Ask yourself questions like, “What is this about for me?” “Is this something I have felt before?” “Are there are other pieces going on in my life that might be compounding how I feel in this situation?” “Do I have physical needs (hunger, fatigue) that might be impacting how I’m feeling in the moment?”
3. Invite the Holy Spirit to give you insight and to shed light upon your own heart as well as God’s heart towards you.
4. Examine what is underneath the emotion. Are there underlying messages that you are believing about yourself, your situation, or God? Are those messages true? Perhaps I’m feeling discouraged about parenting; I’m afraid I’m a failure as a parent and that God must be disappointed in me. As I am able to identify those messages I can begin to explore whether those messages are true. What does God say about me, this situation, or Himself? Perhaps I’m noticing myself being irritable, but underneath I realize that I am really struggling with grief as the date of my last miscarriage approaches. As I recognize this, I am able attend to that grief.
5. Consider what might be an appropriate response now that you have identified and explored my emotion and what is going on underneath the surface. Maybe I need to call that close friend, the one who really takes time to understand, and let her know that the grief is really closing in on me and I need someone to share this space with me. Maybe I need to recognize my sadness or fear about where my children are at in this stage and accept my limitations as a parent. Maybe I need to dig deeper into my understanding of God’s heart towards me. Maybe I have just been run ragged with the pace and demands of life, and I need to consider what it means to be a good steward of my own self. Can I find some ways to allow myself to rest when I am weary?
6. Explore what it means to show up in this situation in human authenticity and alignment with your beliefs and values. I may feel angry at my boss for not honoring his end of our contract. As I pray through this situation, I may choose to address this respectfully by using assertive communication skills. Or I may name my grief about the child I lost through miscarriage. I may be drawn once again into lament as I feel the tension between my suffering in this world and my firm conviction of the goodness of God’s character. This grief is part of my lived experience; I know this grief. It means I have loved deeply. I give myself the space to feel it, yet it does not own me. Because I have experienced this grief I choose to love more fiercely and vulnerably than before, and I am also gentle with myself as God is gentle with my heart.
Often, we need someone to walk this journey with us and help us to explore what is under the surface. Sometimes this is a friend or family member, often this is the role of a counselor. When we are wanting to interact with God’s truth and God’s heart, a Christian counselor working from a Biblical perspective can journey alongside us as we wrestle with heavy emotions, difficult situations, or feel “stuck” under the weight of faulty messages or core beliefs.
Jessie has a passion to walk with others on their journey towards mental, emotional, and spiritual health. Jessie has a Masters in Christian Counseling, and she has experience working with women, teens, families, and marriages. Jessie loves the outdoors, especially hiking in the mountains and canoeing. She is grateful to be living this incredible yet messy life with her husband of 26 years.
