You recall that beautiful day you stood in front of family and friends and repeated your marriage vows, affirming, “I will” or “I do”, until death parted you. Just the night before, as you anticipated your wedding day, you may have thought, “beginning tomorrow, I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend, the person I love most, the perfect person for me!” Now, 5, 10, 15 years later you sit in deep thought, some days it is a struggle to be in the same room with your spouse. When did your relationship change to the point that your conflicts rarely have a peaceful resolution? Has change happened very slowly over time not leaving clear markers that you can identify as the beginning? Or have there been times of major breaches that leave your spouse and you unable to problem-solve, leaving you to conclude that your marriage is in total disrepair.
Like all other relationships, conflicts absolutely occur in marriage. Our marriages are gifts from God, and he desires that they reflect the gospel. So, when your spouse and you have disagreements, the first place to go for resolutions is to the one who knows how to help you live in peace with one another. Let’s investigate God’s Word to see how you might apply what might be familiar passages to help you walk in union with your spouse.
The first necessary step for restoring peace is to be willing to obey God. In the Bible we read James 1:23-24 “For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like.” James compares looking into a mirror with looking into God’s Word. In both cases, looking is not all-sufficient. We must remember what we see and act upon it. Be willing to read God’s Word and obey. Marriage is intended to be a picture of God’s relationship with the church. Because of sin, we are broken people, and our marriages will never be perfect. But the love of God in our hearts enable us to love one another in a manner that is impossible without Him. The person staring back at you when you look in the mirror has by grace received love and forgiveness from God. For a Christian, resolving conflicts in marriage point back to the picture of God’s relationship with the church. So too, husbands and wives should extend to one another grace, love and forgiveness.
The first way to begin trying to understand the problem is to get in a quiet place alone with God. Ask Him to show you your heart, confess your sins and repent. Allowing the Lord to help you remove the plank in your own eye so that you are able to see requires time in prayer. Once you can see, you are better able to help remove the speck of sawdust in your spouse’s eye.(Matthew 7:3-4) Examining yourself first prevents you from reaching a quick conclusion which portrays you as totally right and your spouse as totally wrong. Remember, your conclusion is based on your perception and does not necessarily include thinking outside your own. The Scriptures are clear that if you truly want God to direct your path, you must not trust your own heart (Proverbs 3:5-6). It takes humility to admit your viewpoint may be a little bit skewed or even totally incorrect.
Another point of prayer should be in asking God to help you understand your spouse’s thoughts and feelings. Be humble and less accusative. It enables you to move from a state of tension where one or both spouses feel the need to be right, to the place where you can now seek to understand one another. God can change your heart and help you to treat your spouse with respect, love and care. Everything that God calls us to do, he does in us if we surrender our hearts to him. It may not be easy for you to change the way you view your spouse as it relates to conflict. The biggest move in changing the way you view your spouse is to change the way you view yourself. You are not always 100% right and even when you are right it is possible that you are going about things in the wrong way. For example, the Bible instructs us to let no unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs. (Ephesians 4:29) What we say matters as does the way we say it. We are instructed to speak the truth in love. Hard truths are best heard in a non-threatening environment. (Ephesians 4:15)
God’s Word tells us that conflict does not come from the other person with whom you are fighting. On the contrary, conflict comes from you. It comes directly from the things you want. James 4:1-3 tells us that quarrels and fights come from the things you want badly that are having a war inside of you. What you say and do comes directly from your strong desires.
Productive conversations will begin when both parties resolve that they want to please God more than pleasing self. If both parties in conflict will embrace to the goal of pleasing God above themselves, full reconciliation is certain. God never intended you to succeed in marriage by your own best efforts. He wants your spouse and you to surrender your efforts to Him in worship.
Your entire life is intended for worship. You belong to God. Your marriage belongs to God. “Therefore, brothers and sisters, in view of the mercies of God, I urge you to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God; this is your true worship. Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:1-2)
You’re at the point where you realize you have some changes to make so that your marriage is healthy, and you’re living in peace with your spouse. As you surrender your relationship over to Christ’s control, he provides the grace you need to build something beautiful. Change takes time, but the key to it happening is directly connected to your surrender to Christ. To the degree that you seek to have God’s will before your own is the degree to which His peace will enter your own heart allowing you to love your spouse according to God’s plan. In this, all conflicts can be resolved in marriage without the feeling there has to be a clear winner and a clear loser. Godly resolutions carry with them win-win outcomes because the aim is to please God first.
