It’s the day you’ve seen in your mind hundreds of times and it’s playing out beautifully according to script, just like you imagined it. Your spouse stands beside you and you both declare before God and man, “I do” and “I will”. The bottom line is that you have agreed to cherish your spouse and put his/her needs above all others. Even more, you’ve promised to do it for the rest of your life, and you walk away from the wedding party fully intending to keep your promises.
When did it happen? Was it so gradual that you didn’t notice? What you know for certain is that your spouse and you are no longer living up to your promises. Not only that, but it’s difficult for you to even talk about what went wrong, and how to make it right. You’re familiar with the saying that communication is a lost art, and now you know intimately what that means. You’ve lost confidence and, in some cases, interest in effective and mutual communications. Why do we make such a big deal about communications in marriage? Isn’t being great intimate partners in marriage much more satisfying than being good communicators? It turns out that many men and women have found out that healthy, communication is foundational to developing satisfying and lasting intimacy in marriage.
The beginning verses in chapter one of Genesis tell us that God spoke creation into existence: everything on land, seas, and in the sky appeared because he said so. Later in the chapter we learn that God made mankind in his own image. As image bearers of God, like him, we too are communicators.
In marriage the words we speak can build up or tear one another down. As a matter of fact, words from a spouse have the potential to weigh more heavily than those same words when spoken by any other person in our lives. In Ephesians 4:29 we read, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:15 instructs us to speak the truth in love. How we speak, the tone we use is just as important as the specific words we say.
Tone and word choice are two important elements of communication. Another important element is listening. When we place a greater emphasis on talking, it sets us up for a metered contest to assure that everyone gets equal airtime for speaking, even if it means interrupting one another, cutting them off by physically leaving the conversation, or in some way indicating that we are not interested in listening. Many times, we may find ourselves listening only to the extent that it readies us for rebuttal. You listen and gather just enough information from the speaking spouse to try to make null and void anything he/she may say. Instead, we should be listening for the purpose of gaining information about our spouse’s perspective. Repeat back to your spouse what you heard him/her say. You should listen to try to truly understand how your words landed on your spouse. Listening is a gift you give to your spouse. It is a practical way to show him/her honor.
If we listen carefully and quietly, we may find that the greatest of our intentions have been misunderstood. In this case we have an opportunity to clarify what was meant. In some instances, our intentions were not misunderstood but by hearing the words you said, you may realize that you sinned against your spouse. This should lead you to ask for forgiveness. When a spouse confesses and asks for forgiveness, it should be granted, forgotten, and that specific sin should not be brought up again.
We’ve discussed three elements of communication in marriage; the first two, being careful with the words and tone used when speaking and the third, listening with the intent to understand more than to be understood. A final element of communication we’ll discuss is body language. Anyone who is married knows that without saying a word you can communicate that you’re not interested in the discussion at hand. What does this look like? Maybe it’s your facial expression and folded arms as you look directly at your spouse, or the way you’re busily multi-tasking instead of taking a posture of listening, including making eye contact, or the way you seem preoccupied with another matter altogether. You’re looking like you’re listening and making the occasional responses that would indicate that this is true. However, your thoughts are far away from the matter which your spouse is bringing to your attention.
Effective communication in marriage is not automatic. You must adopt an attitude that it is a skill set that you desire to develop based on the high priority of your relationship. When communicating to your spouse, it is not only the words you say, but also the words you don’t say. If you find yourself in conflict often, without an understanding of your spouse, it may be time to assess your communication. Consider what you’re saying to one another, the tone that you use when you speak, the ways that you reflect that you’re listening, the body language that is either inviting or closed, and whether you ask for forgiveness when you sin against one another. You can keep your promise to cherish one another. Below are passages from the Bible for help in getting started.
