Whether you are looking at the Bible or psychology, both would indicate that “anger issues” are the result of something deeper and below the surface. Whether this be physical factors affecting someone’s disposition towards anger, other situations going on in the child’s life leading to angry outbursts, or simply having unjust reasons for anger, there is something going on beyond the anger you see in front of you. If you find yourself amid chaos and frequent anger outburst in your children, I hope this blog will be of help to you. This will include a deeper understanding of anger, what heart issues could be behind the anger according to scripture, and tips on managing external anger in the meantime.
While external management of anger is helpful for a parent, there is true hope in knowing that the solution for a child’s anger issue is the same as for an adult’s. It is in inner heart change brought about by Christ. He can work within us to change our motivations and desire to follow Him! We can use this verse to guide us: “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45). What an opportunity parents have early on, or later too, to help their kids understand this. We can teach children that the source of their behavior is their heart.
Teaching this in a simple manner is super helpful for growing minds. First, be sharing the gospel with your child any chance you get. As I said, their greatest hope is in God helping them with anger, and they must put their faith in Jesus to receive that help. When your child is calm and can think more clearly after anger, you can ask what are called “heart probing questions”. This gets your child to think about why they are angry. This allows them to start to discern a good reason for anger and a poor one. Something I use with children I counsel is the question: “Would God be mad about this too?”. It is simple yet begins to teach a child about what is “justified or unjustified anger”. God gets angry too, but his reason for anger is always a good one, like when others sin against his children. Helping your child understand right and wrong anger motives teaches your child they aren’t just under a set of arbitrary rules made up by parents, we are all under God’s design and rule. Working on these heart issues is what, in the long term, frees children from anger that would only lead to harm later in their lives. What a great purpose!
Psychology would also say that anger is a secondary emotion, likely covering up something like sadness or confusion. This also points to what I just mentioned which is that anger is the outward expression of an inner issue. Anger is like an alarm bell that signals to us, parents or children, that something is wrong. This could be having wrong reasons for anger like selfishness, or it could be a deeper emotion like confusion because a child’s parents are inconsistent. Parents need to dig to find and address the deeper issue going on that leads to the secondary emotion of anger. The concept that anger is a result of a deeper issue is very hopeful. Your child, or yourself, are not out of God’s healing reach if there is a struggle with anger. Your child is not just an “angry child”, they are a child with the same heart issues as all of us. Hearts in need of changing and saving!
While working on heart issues with children, parents still need practical tools to manage anger in the meantime. One such tool is making picture cards for your child of good and poor choices when expressing their anger. Keeping it simple and visual can help your child in the moment of anger because logic can easily go out the window with the wave of anger taking over. For example, you can show your child two options: one is to build a fort in their room to have a cool down spot and the other is a child hitting and kicking. One is a choice that is helpful, and the other one will end in a consequence. This helps a child understand, in a simple way, that they have power over their choices when they are angry.
The other practical tip I would give parents would be to evaluate your routines and consistency. Psychological research tells us that children thrive on consistency. When they know what to expect, this creates security and feelings of being safe. If a parent is inconsistent or lets their children push their boundaries, children become confused. Then, anger can arise if a child learns that they can no longer make the rules, change them, or push their parents’ boundaries. If your child doesn’t know what to expect in their routine at home, anger can also arise from the unexpected changes or quick transitions. Structure and consistency are great things to evaluate in your household when looking at managing anger and having a thriving household!
